Literature

I come from a big family and I am the middle child among the rest of us.  I am also the
balancer from the elder brood and the younger members of our kin. It is not easy.  Looking back
to my early years, I grew up in fear. I was not aware of that since I do not have a reference to
proper growing up process.  I believe that I am also a favourite of my parents because I am an
achiever in school and I get my fair share of their attention. I wanted to please my family so that
I really worked hard to live up to their expectations. It is easy when it is about school. It is not easy when it comes to choosing sides and loyalties among my brothers and sisters. Competition is strong in our family.  My elder sisters contend to be the most popular in the social circle that our family moved in.  My father holds an important political position in our town so that there is always an abundance of invitations to parties and functions. It is in this area that my sisters compete in popularity. These competitions would sometimes lead to nasty fights and, being close to all my sisters, I become courier to their word war, more often than not, my loyalty is put in question. I did not want to offend any one of them so that I became a master of pretensions and lies. I delivered whatever demands they wanted, and told them things I believed they wanted to hear, inventing things just to satisfy them. I have lived up to their expectations at the cost of my own integrity. I learned this far too late already.

One elder sister would ask me to go to church every day. She would talk about the beauty
of the religious life.  I was too young to understand but I made myself the bell ringer of our parish church so that this responsibility would oblige me to go to church everyday. Church activities did not interest me, but to please my sister I would attend mass regularly.

In my Secondary School, the strain I felt with my family began to show in my grades, as I
began to get failing marks. I just could not concentrate well on studying and I began to withdraw
from my brood. I started to seek companionships from the outside. I could feel the disappointment that my parents felt about me and I was also feeling guilty.  To compensate, every time there were evaluation tests given in our school, I would work hard to excel. Most often, I would come up the top-notch in the whole batch. The school administrators were confused where to put me in the section assignments.  They could not put me in the honours class because I got failing grades.  They also felt uncomfortable about putting me in the lower class because of my high aptitude and scholastic rank. On my final year, I was assigned at the cream section and I got the highest average in our entrance test for college. In my mind, I made sure that those awards in my class would look dim-witted at national evaluation examination results.

When the time came when I needed to choose my course in college, I chose engineering but my parents wanted me to become a lawyer. Being a people pleaser, I consented without trying to convince them that engineering is really what I wanted to study. I enrolled in the college of pre-law and since it is a high standard university, I made it a point to have high grades in my courses. I did so and for three years in that course I have been present in a consistent list of the honoured students. During my final year at the university, I traded all my high grades with all the vices the university people have to offer and plunged down to oblivion until I finally dropped out. I lived in limbo after that.

I rebelled with everything, especially with authority.  My relationship with my family became  a silent battle.  Our communication boiled down to the basic.  I no longer share with them my life.  I become a hermit in our own house.  When I am alone, I would recall the days when I enjoyed the company of my family.  I wanted to go back to that atmosphere.  I tried so many times to join them in special occasions and even in ordinary days but every time I would clash up with someone and then everything would be spoiled. I do not want to be bossed around and an ordinary request would come up like I am judged inferior. I gave up. I just withdrew totally and left them to their own lives.

I did a lot of reflections on what happened to me, particularly my attitude in the house.  I
seem to get well with other people in fact, I did well in the job as Liaison Officer of a
construction firm.  It is easy for me to establish official relations even if the person that I need to
contact with has a reputation of being difficult. What failed at being at home, I substantially
compensated outside.  I am not happy with what happened to me as I am a stranger in my own
house.  All relationships that I have, including romantic ones, suffered the same fate. I
knew very well that I could not handle closeness.  I got fear about being rejected so I wanted to please everybody, especially the members of my family and other close relatives. My fear comes about not being able to deliver the demands that they make on me.  This fear made me withdraw.
It made me feel safe about having no responsibilities of making other people happy.  I believe that if they got no expectations from me, then I will not have any disappointments about not being able to deliver their expectations.  I felt safe in this arrangement.  I also felt miserable and
guilty.  I knew that my parents were sad too.  I was entirely different person from the one who
they knew.  My father had for many occasions tried to talk to me but every time he did, the gulf
that came between us became even wider. I knew that we do not know where to pick up the
pieces. There was no big argument that came between me and my family.  Many times I would
wish that there had been something that would allow us what to mend.  It would have been easier that way since I have no hang-ups about asking for forgiveness if I made mistakes.

The grudge had come way back since I was a child and it crept deep into my being that it changed me entirely into a different resentful person. It was resentment that made me a stranger to my family. The resentment I felt with my family comes from believing that they controlled my life.  I blamed them for all the wrong choices I made, especially with what happened to my studies. It took a long time for me to realize of my participation.  The truth is that I have made a lot of mistakes and blamed my family for that.

I got a serious talk with my father one day.  He was so honest with what he felt about me.
He blamed himself for choosing the course to study instead of asking me of what I really wanted.
His sincere apology struck the truth in the bulls eye. He felt my accusations even though I never
vocalized them.  My actions were far worse than anything that I could have done. My father could have defended himself if I accused him outright of what happened to me. I did not give him the chance because I was afraid of the truth.
       
I was so ashamed of this realization. I apologized to my father, I asked him to
forgive me.  He told me instead to forgive myself because it is the hardest thing to do. He told
me to stop looking back at the past mistakes The best thing to do is to let go and move on.

It has been a long time now since that day we talked. Forgiving and forgetting were not easy.  Opening lines with my father has done great things to me. I have a better relationship with my family now, although I need to bond more to regain that family closeness I long for. Time will tell. I trust it will come.